Keeping My Arms and Legs Inside the Boat
People have often asked me about my plans for the future. Nearing 51 years of age, somehow my life is just beginning. After a life of childhood trauma, adulthood diagnosis of complex PTSD, “quiet” BPD, and major depression, as well as alcoholism and riding with my demons, I collapsed, mentally and completely. About five years ago, I was done. I had had enough of this life and all of the misery that enveloped me. I felt completely hopeless. There was no way that I could carry on, any longer.
I was sitting in my car in the driveway of my rental home that I was soon to get evicted from. It was after another breakup with my, then, fiancee, feeling lost, broken, and devastated from crying for days straight. I always tried to hang on to this life, reasoning my children would be distraught and traumatized if I chose to check out early. However, all I could see at that moment was how completely done I was. Done. Convinced everything and everyone would be better off if I left, I had the details planned. Yet, I needed to check with someone before I left.
Crying Out to God
Recalling memories of attending church with my grandparents as a child and how I believed in God but never felt the connection, at least not for many decades. I began audibly speaking to God as my last resort and as the last thing I ever intended to do. I bitterly called out to Him. Also, I asked Him why I had such a life. Why was I meant to suffer through trauma after trauma and why did I have to live with such a broken brain? I asked for something, anything, to keep me going.
Then, something said, “You don’t have faith.” I thought about it. I really didn’t have any faith (yet, I was speaking with the God I had previously decided didn’t exist. So, I asked how I can have faith. I told the voice to show me faith and I would listen. Well, I didn’t end up checking out that night. I’m surprised I’m still here.
My Faith Journey
My tutorial on faith didn’t begin immediately, but almost. Shortly afterward, I heard the voice again. It wanted me to pick a penny up off of the ground in a convenience store parking lot. I almost ignored it at first, but, I felt it was important. It reminded me that this was what I asked for. I felt a little silly picking it up. As I did, I kind of rolled my eyes and mouthed, “Whatever.” It had me picking up pennies. Then, I began having visions and dreams. The synchronicities are unending. I began seeing things as they are. That was five years ago. The events that occurred and the experiences that I have had since then have given me faith. My faith cannot be shaken.
A lot has happened in my life over the past five years. My thought process has completed changed. All of my free time has been spent learning from Google and YouTube what I can decipher as truth amidst the many lies on the internet. I tell people that I am in a boat. I’m being led somewhere and the best thing that I can do is to keep my arms and legs inside the boat. I no longer need the medication I was taking for my diagnosis, and I laid down the alcohol (something I always thought I’d need in my life to cope).
Living By Faith
Now, I live my life completely through faith, which is something foreign to most people, it turns out. For example, my friend, who was concerned about me finding a place a few months ago, started chastising me for not being more active in finding something to live in. I wanted an RV instead of paying high rent that I could never afford. Being so far removed from materialism at this point, I chose to live in my car until I could find such a prospect. I had a job, just no savings.
My friend said to me, “Look, Mel. Enough is enough. You need to start figuring something out. It’s ridiculous, you living as you do.” I told him, “I’m not worried about it. Something will pop up as I’m on a path. God told me to be still.” My friend then said, “You think God is just going to give you an RV?” I, a little weary, replied, “Maybe.” A month later, someone that I happened to encounter gave me an RV. I was going to make payments to them for it. However, they decided to just give it to me. So, God did give me an RV. Faith. It’s all about faith. All I need to do is keep my arms and legs inside the boat. I do what I am told.
A month ago, I went to Google to find free Greek language classes. I wanted to learn to read the earliest gospels of the New Testament as unadulterated as possible. That’s when I found the Christian Leaders Institute. That’s when the voice told me, “This.” I knew God had plans for me. However, I’ve been in growth mode for so long that I didn’t think I was ready to receive the task. I’ve spent this time moving through the modules at a snail’s pace. I just wanted to be sure God wants me to lead anybody. That wasn’t a part of my plan. But, I don’t make the plans. I just keep my arms and legs inside the boat.
I am grateful for God’s grace, and I am only at His service. Also, I am thankful for the free Greek and ministry classes at CLI, without which I wouldn’t be able to continue my journey.
Steps to Sign Up At Christian Leaders Institute
Step 1 – Register for a free study account that automatically enrolls you in the Christian Leaders Getting Started Course Part 1 &2.
After you register, you will automatically be enrolled in the “getting started” course. You will locate the course at your “home” button when logged in. Scroll down to find the Christian Leaders Getting Started Course Part 1 &2 Link. Click the link and open the course.
Step 2 – Complete Part 1 of this course. Then you can enroll in mini-courses or regular courses.
The Christian Leaders Getting Started Class Part 1 shows you how to enroll in courses and mini-courses. Part 2 of the course connects your calling into ministry with programs offered through Christian Leaders Institute. Part 2 will offer some ministry training and introduce you to the other programs offered through Christian Leaders Institute.